Tough Love #1: Creating a First Impression

Credit: blog.vh1.com

These posts are based on the reality TV series Tough Love. I don’t actually talk about what takes place on the show but I will talk about what women can learn from each episode’s theme.

Before I actually talk about this, I want to get something out of the way right now.

Men judge women physically. Period.

Biologically and as our primal nature, our mind receives well to our perception of a physically attractive woman. The reason why I word it that way is because every guy has a different perception of who that woman is.

To use this to your advantage, you don’t have to wear skimpy clothing, show off your cleavage, or dress out of your age range.

If you’re 50, you shouldn’t be wearing things post-grads are wearing. But that doesn’t mean you still can’t dress in a way that’s appealing and attractive. The key here is dressing in a way that is respectful.

Accessories. These are what’s going to make you stand out physically, so use that to your advantage. Men will notice and may ask about these things. If there’s a story behind what you wear, it’ll give you a chance to let him get to know the next thing.

Tip: The color red is the most attractive color, stands out easily in a crowd, and should be used as often as possible.

Personality. What you wear is a reflection of your personality. Remember that AMP Energy App that I talked about with the Wall Street Journal? The reason why I bring it up here is because each personality on that list was clearly represented (stereotypically) by what each woman was wearing. A similar thing happens here.

Present yourself as a normal, interesting woman.

The objective of a successful first impression is rather simple. Be fun and not complicated. The moment you show that you’re a Debbie Downer you’re out. To ensure that happens, an easy fix would be to SMILE! People are at their attractive prime when they are smiling, so why not show that off as much as possible?

When you have conversation, try to avoid the usual subjects (religion, politics and financial situation). There are reasons why you do this. You avoid the potential of conflict of differences; making the man uncomfortable and having him feel inadequate (not for their differences but for their lack of knowledge).

Instead, have positive energy and enthusiasm talking about whatever it is.

FOR MEN: Some women can have similar issues as men, including being able to engage a man and actually expressing interest so keep this in mind whenever you feel nervous about engaging and having conversation with a woman. This might put you at ease.

How to Maintain Conversations with Women?

For over two years, I’ve had clients and the general population of men ask me the same question when it comes to talking to a woman.

“What do I say next?”

For many men, it’s a serious problem because not knowing what to say will inevitably lead to a whole lot of silence, even more awkwardness and an end to what could have been an amazing conversation with a really attractive woman. Some guys are becoming more and more comfortable with approaching and starting conversations with women and then they hit this roadblock.

“Ok, so I approached her and I got her to smile. She gave me her name and now she knows mine. Now what?”

Well, to really understand the answer, we have to really look into a couple myths and squash them once and for all.

Awkward silence is NOT awkward. Men (and even women) have this belief that silence in a conversation is a bad thing and feel compelled to fill it in with SOMETHING. I am here to tell you that it is NOT true. When two people make a connection, talking about something passionate or get into a serious conversation, there needs to be a time to have a “conversational exhale.” That happens when you actually need to sit and take in what just happened and soak it in a little. Some people will sit there in silence and think to themselves. Others may just jump into another conversational topic right away. Either way, this is another way to finds out about someone’s method of thinking and it can help you better connect. In the end, if there is silence (for just a few seconds), it’s not always a bad thing.

Conversation is mostly up to the man. Yup, I said it. Yes, one of the goals is to have her talk about herself and find ways to relate to her (and she may talk more than you throughout the conversation) but in the end, as the man who approached her, you are in charge to directing the conversation and determining where it goes. It’s as simple as that. To help yourself, think about some talking points that you’d like to mention. Your initial conversation with someone who could be a potential mate can also serve as a way to find out if she holds the basic qualities of someone who you’d actually be interesting in getting to know. So if you are into travel, make sure you bring up something about traveling, whether that may be flat out asking her a direct question,

“Traveling is such a major part of my life. Do you ever get a chance to travel?”

or you can just tell a story,

“It’s funny you mention that. I went to Jamaica a couple of months ago and it was such an awesome time. I got to try out this amazing fruit fusion drink and it had all of these fruits that I’ve never had before. I love being able to go to different places, experience unique cultures and try interesting food.”

Both can serve as a “test,” to see whether she possess that same quality. Because, if you are a traveler and she doesn’t like to fly, you two may not be to fully get along.

But if you are afraid to just randomly make a statement, you can also try this. The only disclaimer is that you have to do something that most men find difficult.

Listening to what she is saying.

It’s really important for you to listen to what she is saying so that you can easily be able to relate to her with your own statement. For example, let’s say you hear a song by Eve6 playing in the bar and you say,

"I like this song. I love Eve6.”

And she says,

“Yeah, I like this song too."

You can follow up by saying,

“You know, I saw them live once at the Hatshell in Boston. You would think that a band like that wouldn’t be a good performing group but they were awesome. Have you ever been to Boston?”

She may say yes, then you two can talk about places that the both of you have seen and what you thought about it. Or she can say no and then you inquire about two things.

A. If she likes to travel

Or,

B. If she’s seen a live performance.

Either way, by following up with what she is saying (even if it may not seem as much), you can create paths of conversation and directing it where you’d like it to go.

I’m not saying that it’s easy. Takes some time, listening and practice, but after a while, conversation will definitely get easier.

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What is E & O?

E & O. It’s all about E & O. You have heard me say this a lot lately. It’s my mantra. You’ve even heard it from other people as well. For a glimpse of a perspective of E & O, check out Cort Johnson’s blog post. You can learn a lot about energy and having amazing conversation filled with passion. My interpretation of E & O is very similar and it creates what I’d like to call, the Maximum Bloom.

The E stands for energy. Energy is passion. Talking about what you care about, what’s important to you and what you value in life, whether that may be who you are, your family or your life. Your energy comes from your beliefs. Your energy comes from your friends or people that inspire you. Your energy comes from what you love. Your energy is what keeps you going, keeps you engaged and firing on all cylinders. It’s what brings people together. It’s what keeps people coming back for more. Energy is the new common cold. Anyone can catch it but the difference is, everyone wants it.

The O stands for optimism. Optimism is all about being positive about life. Whatever the circumstances are, no matter how tough things can be, being optimistic about the outcome will enhance many of your experiences in life. I break optimism into three different pieces.

Positive feelings. How do you actually have a positive feeling? Well, that is hard to explain but I can explain it from my perspective. When I think of anything, I think about the positive aspect of things. My positive feelings derive from my positive beliefs. When people ask me about whether or not I think something is going to happen, I usually say, “I don’t think. I know.” That knowing is the feeling that I have within me. When I think about my dating life, I KNOW that I am a quality person, I KNOW I have value to provide to someone and I KNOW that when the time is right, I deserve to and will be with someone amazingly special to share our worlds together. It’s as simple as that. No hesitation, no doubt. When it comes to my business, I KNOW my business will be beneficial to anyone that works with me, I KNOW things are going to work out for me in the long-term and I KNOW that I will make an impact not just in the dating world, but the world in general. These are VERY big statements to say but that’s what I wholeheartedly believe. I can feel it. That’s where positive feelings come from. Any positive belief that has an inkling of doubt turns into a limiting belief.

Positive determination. How bad do you want it? Are you willing to do whatever it takes? What are you willing to sacrifice? If there is any doubt, you don’t want it bad enough. Yup, it is as simple as that. Telling yourself that no matter how long it’s going to take, you won’t stop until you reach your goal is determination. Determination is what isn’t going to let you be outworked by anyone else. It’s what makes you die on the treadmill. It’s what makes you never give up or back down. I’ve referenced Will Smith before and I’ll reference him again. If you want to know what determination is all about, listen to what he has to say about how hard he had to work to his rise to the top and how much more he has to work to stay there.

Positive action. This is the part that most people in this world cannot do. They get themselves so fired up and raring to go and they do absolutely NOTHING. Action is the only thing that’s left in your weaponry. If you do nothing, you will get nothing. All of that energy, all of those feelings, all of those beliefs will just go to the wayside. Of course, the actions that you take should be productive and add to your ability to reach your goal. In others words, I want to see it. Stop talking about it and make it happen.

The Maximum Bloom. I can honestly say that if you bring the E & O, not only will your conversations change, but also your life will change for the better. Stay focused, commit, be persistent and don’t be afraid of failing. You will mostly likely have to fail first before you can succeed.

It’s all about the E & O.

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Don’t Know What To Say to Women? Here’s the Answer

Say anything.

Yeah, it’s crazy. Here, you thought I was going to give you some crazy formulaic script that you can just repeat verbatim that was going to get you the girl every time and now you’re stuck with just,

Say anything.

Makes me seem like such a jerk, doesn’t it? Well, I’m going to give you more. I tell my clients all the time that it’s not necessarily what you say but how you say it. Sometimes, it’s what you’re not saying. Other times, it’s what you’re saying with your body. As important as those things are, at the end of the day, words still need to come out of your mouth and guys are just having a hard time with that.

Women are like guys in so many ways. They walk like us, communicate like us (fortunately, they don’t look like us) and they put on jeans one foot at a time, too – with the exception of a select few. But if you don’t even know the woman, there’s nothing about them (that you know) that makes them superior to us and vice versa. Sure, they are beautiful people and I love them, but we are equals when it comes to social interaction and developing an intimate relationship.

Let me give you some guidelines to enable you to say something.

If you’re stuck trying to find out what to say next, just look around. Wherever you are, there will always be something to comment on. If you’re out at a bar, I’m sure there is someone in there with there shirt collar popped. Comment away. One thing that I love doing is people watching. I think it’s the most fascinating thing to do with people. There is so much that can go into creating a story of a total stranger just by watching them. It’s entertaining and it let’s her know that you are a fun guy that has an imagination and know how to just chill.

Be funny. Crack jokes and show your sense of humor. Don’t have one? That’s fine. Go to comedy shows or watch them on TV. Not many people like Dane Cook but he’s a good person to watch to learn how to tell a funny story. Other great comedians would be Chris Rock, Katt Williams and Wanda Sykes. Humor is sexy and if you can make her laugh, you’ve almost won her over. Believe it or not, I’ve noticed that it’s rare to first meet someone and be susceptible to laughter. If you break that barrier, it’ll do wonders.

Act like the big brother without being him. A big brother will always make fun of his little sis but he will protect her to his death. I think it’s totally fine to have some playful teasing. Like I said before, there’s no reason to perceive her value to be higher than yours if you don’t know anything about her. As you compliment her, be sure to zing her every once in a while with a smart remark. DO NOT FORGET TO MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS YOU’RE JOKING. Too many guys try to play the serious route when teasing and it actually backfires, simply because it starts to look like you mean it. Simple solution: smile shortly after making the joke. It creates a fun dynamic and a little tension that makes you two more attracted to each other.

In terms of the protecting part, we’re all adults (for the most part). We can take care of ourselves. But, as a man, it is your duty to make sure that your lady is physically safe. Just make that nothing (including you) is impeding her from having a good time. I know that’s a vague statement, but it should be common sense. If she’s in physical danger, ensure her safety. Bonus tip: if you see her talking to a creepy guy and it look obvious that she needs to be saved (either you KNOW for a fact that this guy is a creepshow or she’s giving out signals that she doesn’t feel comfortable around him), take the initiative and save her from impending doom. There’s something romantic about saving a damsel from distress that some women find appealing even if it is just saving her from some random guy.

Finally, bring the E & O. Whatever you are doing, wherever you are, no matter whom you are with, have some energy! Be positive about life and what’s going on around you. Time and time again, it has been proven that positive thoughts will lead to positive things. Maintain that mentality and people will sense and feed off of it.

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Wingman Unapproved

Approach at MiniBar

Over lunch one day with Stuart and Carla, we were sharing stories of terrible attempts at talking to women and I heard a really bad one. My instinctive outburst was, “Wow, that’s ‘wingman unapproved.’” Stuart and Carla laughed, seemed to like what I said and said I should try to incorporate something in my blog that talks about “unapproved” actions that result in failed attempts to talk to women (or men for that matter).

I see them all the time and so why not talk about them? I can talk about what could have gone wrong and what he/she could have done to make things better. As a benefit, you get to read it and try to avoid these situations yourself. I will also do some “approved” posts too, if they are worth highlighting.

So let’s begin with the other night!

I was at MiniBar with my honorary wingman, Cort Johnson, and we saw three women across from us. Two of them looked like they were our age and the other one was visibly older. I had already come to the conclusion that they were two sisters with their mother but that’s not important. What’s important is what happened next. Cort and I were going to talk to them because they were by themselves and no one was trying to talk to them as if they had some type of disease. They were all attractive, even the mother and it wasn’t like the mother was giving signals like, “you better not come over here or I’ll bite your head off.” Anyway, right before Cort and I were going to break the ice with the group, a noticeably older man swoops in and starts talking to the group.

His back was turned and he was in front of the group so we couldn’t see what was going on or what he said. Within 15 seconds, he walked away. I glance over at the women and see them talking and giggling. I had a distinct feeling that his attempt went terribly.

Now out of sheer curiosity, I go over and ask them what he said to them. They told me that he left his friend, walked over to them and asked, “Can I ask you a question? Is it ok for me to smoke outside?” For a moment, I wasn’t even shocked. I was more confused. Why would he even ask that? And then, why would he leave his friend to ask them that? It just didn’t make any sense.

Listen, guys, let’s be clear here. Women are aware of everything – well, almost everything. When they are out, they know who’s close to them, who’s across the room, what you’re drinking, how much you’ve drank, what you’re wearing and how you’re acting. They know if you’re having a good time or not. They know if you’ve looked at them or not (yeah, I know). If they are making that kind of effort in hopes they may find someone to connect with and also avoid what I’ll call socially incompetent men, I think it would be fair to make the same effort to come up with a better approach.

Lesson: Don’t ask a question that doesn’t make sense. If you’re going to ask a question of relevance or better yet, something that you genuinely want to know. You’ll get a much better response than what this guy got.

While Cort and I were already over there talking with them, the guy came back, interrupted one of them and asked if they could watch his drink while he goes to the bathroom. For those who aren’t familiar with the layout of MiniBar, from where we were standing, he walked by about 4 tables and multiple surfaces before coming to where we were. Once again, women are aware of this.

Guys, if you are going to approach women, have some intent, be purposeful and don’t feel like you need an excuse. You don’t.

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Here's A New Book For Guys to Check Out

Ever wanted to know what you did wrong in your conversations with women, whether they are by phone, text, IM or in-person? Didn’t you wish you had someone there to analyze what you said and how it could have been better? Well, here’s your chance. My buddy, Mark also known as Entropy, has come up with a new series called, Conversation Demolitions.

This will be a continuous series of conversations carefully dissected to see the things you said, how she responded, why she responded the way she did and what this entire thing means. I think it’s important that guys think a little more about what they say before they say it to avoid saying something wrong and to clearly state your intent and meaning. This isn’t to be seen as a “say this to get that,” kind of book. This is to be seen as a book where you can understand why what you say evokes certain reactions from women that you may not want and how to avoid them by properly stating what you really want to say.

Mark hits all conversational media including instant messaging, Facebook, text messaging and more. Mark is one of the best I know in being able to correctly analyze interactions and instruct you on how to be better at them. I can’t really say much more about it because it’s as simple as the title – Conversation Demolitions.

Actually, why don’t I give you an example?

Me: hey! A new member on the company page :P
Her: haha yes great huh! You’re quite up to date
Me: yeah, well with today’s technology you should ;) do you like it at work?
Her: yeah I sure do! You work part-time right?

A good casual opener. What a lot of guys don’t realize about opening women at work, in class or in other social circle situations is that running game often works against you. You can easily be seen as “weird” or “creepy” because you’re talking to a girl at work as if she’s some bimbo at a club.

She asks you a question, which you can take as another indicator of interest.

Me: oh ok, great! The other day you gave me the impression that a customer was driving you crazy :P haha yeah I work part-time, tomorrow I’ll work another morning.
Her: ok that’s nice. Yeah that customer really drove me nuts [she tells the story]. You probably heard it before ;)
Me: yeah I know what you mean, sometimes people just don’t get it so you have to explain it 10x before they get it.

Yes I study full-time, so I don’t have that much time left to work. I really like it like this though, making a little money on the side and having some variation instead of only studying the whole time.

What do you want to become when you grow up? And don’t tell me rich ;)

You let her know that you’ve noticed her by bringing up the customer. She tells a story, you tell something about yourself. Classic rapport-building going on here, which is WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING (I have to reiterate for the dancing monkeys out there) because 1) this girl has already shown a lot of interest in you and 2) you’re at work.

You move to qualify her.

Her: I wan’t to become wise, and you?

Good answer, I like this girl.

Me: I can’t tell you.. I don’t know you well enough yet.

Creating some intrigue and mystery. The implication here is that she’ll want to know you better. Good stuff.

I’d also like to add that you’ve calmly lead the conversation well the entire time.

Her: nooo what do you want to be when you grow up ;) poor?

She teases you a bit. This could throw some inexperienced guys off. This tease is actually another signal that she’s into you. She’s teasing you BECAUSE she wants to know the answer. A lot of newbies would be like, “WTF, shit-testing bitch” right here.

Me: haha I want to stay successful, happy, and healthy.

So what do you do to become wise?

You just dig deeper on her answer, this is a good example of comfort game.

Her: just living, that will make you wise by itself, and I have promised myself to really go back to school next year. I sort off postponed it. What do you study?

Me: I don’t agree with you one per definition becomes wise by living. A lot of people don’t even think about what they experience or feel.

I like this because she gave a half-assed answer and you called her out on it. Sure, this may irk some weaker-minded women, but what you’re sub-communicating here is that you’re actually curious and you have high standards for the people you hang out with.

[I tell her what I study]

What do you want to study?

Her: ok you’re right it’s definitely important what you go through and what kind of challenges you set for yourself. But for me the challenges present themselves, so all I have to do is live. You fall and get right back up and proceed. But you’re doing good! What type of work do you want to do after you graduate?

She kind of qualifies herself here, but also sticks up for her answer. I’d just let it go.

Me: I don’t think that it’s necessarily what you go through, but how you respond to it that determines who you are.

There’s also a lot of knowledge in books by the way ;)

Be careful, you’re kind of picking an argument. Some girls dig intellectual arguments, but generally I hold off on them. This is an easy way to annoy her or come off condescending. Being right all the time isn’t THAT important.

Not huge on the tease either.

This is nitpicking here, I think you’re still doing fine.

[I tell her what I want to do after I graduate]

What’s your best characteristic?

Her: I have a few characteristics that I am really happy with: I’m respectful towards everyone, regardless of status. I’m extremely optimistic, and rarely ever stressed (ideal!)

More qualification, this is a much more personal question, or in MM what’s called a “large hoop.” The fact she complies so eagerly means you’ve built a lot of attraction and trust.

And what’s something you’re really happy about? It’s kind lame that I keep asking and you? but, I’ll soon come up with an original question ;)

Translation: “I want to impress you. I REALLY like you.”

Me: haha well you also have self-knowledge, are able to critique yourself, and are willing to change, lol :P also good characteristics!

And you compliment the SHIT out of her. PERFECT.

Guys really don’t use compliments enough. But when a girl really sub-communicates a lot of interest in you and complies with you in a major way, THE BEST thing you can do is compliment her.

I think that my best characteristics are that I’m ambitious, persistent, have integrity, and can make people smile, the rest will remain a surprise for now ;)

I’m going to sleep, sweet dreams and I’ll see you tomorrow!
Her: good idea, good night!

You share more about yourself, leave a little teaser once again, and then cut the conversation off at a high point. All very well done.

I think these conversations are much worth taking a look into so you can truly understand that how and what you say can make the difference in a blink of an eye.

If you want to get yourself a copy, go to Conversation Demolitions and download the PDF. I read all 92 pages over the weekend and it’s a great read. You’ll learn a lot.

And while you're at it, take a look at Mark's new site. He's going to be doing major things this year.